


In Dreams

by doop_doop



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Confessions, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25130593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doop_doop/pseuds/doop_doop
Summary: Raphael is plagued by nightmares of bad things happening to Ignatz - but, through them, he realizes what Ignatz really means to him.
Relationships: Raphael Kirsten/Ignatz Victor
Comments: 14
Kudos: 75





	In Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Raphael Week.

In the first of Raphael’s nightmares, he and Ignatz had never made up. Ignatz was everywhere Raphael was, but always out of reach - turning a corner while Raphael was caught behind a crowd, visible at the end of a hallway and gone by the time Raphael reached him. Raphael called his name again and again, but Ignatz either did not hear him or ignored him altogether.

Raphael woke up frowning.  _ It’s okay, _ he thought, sighing.  _ It’s okay. Ignatz is my friend again. We talk now. It’s okay.  _ He could go to Ignatz the very next morning and confirm the fact - could walk up to him and say “Hi Ignatz!” and Ignatz would smile and say hello right back. 

It was not a good dream, but it did not keep him up for long. By the time Raphael woke up the next morning, it was almost entirely gone from his mind.

\---

The second nightmare came a few days later. In the strange, disjointed way of dreams, Raphael could not remember how they had gotten there, but he and Ignatz were out in the middle of a snowstorm. Ignatz kept telling Raphael how cold he was, and when Raphael looked, his lips and fingers were blue.

“Let’s keep walking,” Raphael said, trying to sound sure of himself though he was deeply afraid. “I’m sure we’ll find our way back soon.”

“Raphael, I’m so cold…”

Raphael awoke with a start and stared wide-eyed up into the darkness. The image of Ignatz, shivering and blue, was too vivid to just forget. He got up, put on his shoes and padded outside, still dressed in his sleeping clothes.

The night air was warm; Raphael heard bugs chirping and the gentle sound of wind in the trees. He did not think of where his feet were taking him until he was standing in front of Ignatz’s door. Their rooms were side by side, and going there felt as natural as breathing.

But it was far, far too late for a casual visit. If Raphael knocked on the door, he would almost certainly wake Ignatz, and they both had to rise early the next day. Bothering him now would be rude, and unkind, and selfish, and Ignatz might even be angry at him - and he would deserve it.

Raphael knew all of this, but that didn’t stop him from standing in front of the door, his arm raised as if to knock. The image of Ignatz in his head now was the awful one from his nightmare. One glimpse of the real Ignatz, alive and healthy, would override that and allow Raphael to sleep again, no problem. Even if Ignatz was annoyed, that was better than blue and sick and dying…

“No,” Raphael said aloud, and forced himself to turn back. This was  _ his  _ problem. He would not do that to Ignatz. 

Back in his own room, he lay very quietly in his bed, hoping to hear some sound of Ignatz through the wall - a sign he was alright, or maybe even something concerning enough Raphael would be justified in knocking. But the walls were thick, and Raphael heard nothing. 

He fell asleep again eventually, but it took a long time, and he was tired the next day. But when he saw Ignatz, his fears disappeared; he was happy he hadn’t bothered him, in the end. 

\---

A little more than a week later came the next dream. This one was much like his first nightmare, except Raphael never actually found Ignatz, no matter how hard he looked. He questioned everyone he saw, but no one had a clue where he might be. It was like the time Flayn had disappeared, except only Raphael seemed to notice or care that Ignatz was gone. 

Raphael woke up with a headache, but at least he’d slept through the night. His dream made him want to keep an extra close eye on Ignatz, so he ate lunch with him and went with him to the training grounds; after they ate dinner together, Raphael pretended to leave, but followed him in secret to a grassy hill outside. There, Ignatz sat down, pulled out his sketchbook, and began to draw.

It felt strange to be there without Ignatz’s knowledge, but Raphael watched him the whole time, lost in thought. Ignatz made him so happy, but so frightened, too. There was a war going on, and Raphael lived day to day, like most people probably did. He tried not to think about what could go wrong, because there were so many different things - if he started thinking like that, he’d never be able to stop. And, generally, he was pretty good at avoiding bad thoughts; but now his sleeping mind insisted on coming up with so many scenarios, they were invading his daytime thoughts, too. 

As he sketched, Ignatz’s hand moved with quick, sharp strokes. Raphael couldn’t make out what was on the page, but he could see Ignatz’s face: the furrowed brow and deep frown of full, uninterrupted concentration. Ignatz was so dynamic, so expressive - Raphael would never, ever tire of looking at him, not if they stayed together for a thousand years. 

And there were so many things that could take Ignatz away - away from Raphael, from Garreg Mach, from the world itself. It was awful. It made Raphael’s heart ache.

He watched as long as he dared before creeping away, unheard and unseen.

\---

He knew the fourth nightmare was coming, that was it was only a matter of time. But that didn’t mean he was prepared; it felt so real to him as he dreamed it.

Raphael was walking through a battlefield. Everything was silent. At first it was just anonymous carnage - the bodies of men he didn’t know, their armor and weapons strewn all around. It made Raphael sad, but, as awful as it was, it was nothing he hadn’t seen before.

Then there was a sound, the only sound in the entire dream: the sound of glass breaking.

Raphael knew what had caused it before he looked down. He didn’t want to look, but he did anyways: he had to be sure. 

There beneath his foot were Ignatz’s glasses, one lens cracked, the frame bent out of shape. 

There was no one alive in that silent, bloody field. Raphael knew what he would find if he kept going. He turned and ran, heart heavy with despair.

He woke up sick to his stomach. His pulse was racing, and he was covered in a sheen of sweat. He kicked off his blankets, threw on his shoes and stepped outside without hesitation, because this was not the kind of dream he could shake off alone in his room.

For a long moment Raphael simply looked up at the stars and breathed the warm night air, trying to ground himself. He’d seen Ignatz’s broken glasses, as clear as day. It had been so real: he could still picture the bent frame of them, the way the metal was twisted, the blood all around him. Ignatz had been dead, and Raphael had felt the pain of that knowledge, whether it was a dream or not.

Raphael began to pace. The urge to knock on Ignatz’s door was stronger than ever before. And the following day was a free day; perhaps Ignatz wouldn’t be mad… But then again, Ignatz had been tired earlier that day - he needed his rest, and Raphael should let him be… 

He’d been pacing for several minutes when there was the soft creak of a door. Raphael stopped and turned to look: peeking out from his room, was Ignatz. He held a candle, and he was alive, his glasses intact. “Raphael?” he whispered.

“Hi,” Raphael said, stepping towards him. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“I don’t know,” Ignatz said, blinking his eyes slowly. “I woke up somehow, and I heard steps… what are you doing?”

“I wanted to see you, but I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Why did you want to see me now? It’s so late…”

“I had a nightmare.” It felt so silly to bother him for this reason, but Raphael had no pride, not now. All he felt was gratitude at seeing Ignatz’s face.

Ignatz stepped back and pushed the door open further, allowing Raphael to enter the room. “I’m going to be up for a little bit, too,” Ignatz said, setting the candle down on his bedside table. “So you might as well stay with me, since we’ll both be awake.”

“Thank you.”

Ignatz sat down on the edge of his bed and patted next to him. Raphael took the invitation and joined him there. He was still shaken, but being with Ignatz had already taken the edge off his raw fear.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ignatz asked.

Raphael nodded. “I keep having these awful dreams about you.”

“About me?”

“Bad things keep happening to you, and I can’t stop them! This time you died in battle, last time I couldn’t find you anywhere, the time before that you were freezing to death… I know you’re okay, but I keep having all these nightmares, and I hate it!”

Ignatz’s hand came to rest on Raphael’s arm. “They’re just dreams,” Ignatz said. “I’m here now. I’m right here, and you’re with me.”

“I know. And I’m really glad I could see you tonight. Being with you like this, seeing you’re okay, it really helps.” 

For a few seconds they were both silent. Then Ignatz spoke, his voice soft: “You must worry about me a lot, huh?”

Raphael’s eyes were swimming with tears, although none had fallen yet. “I try not to, ‘cause I know usually it’s pointless, spending time worrying about things you can’t control. But I guess I do. You mean so much to me.” 

“Raphael…”

“It’s true,” Raphael said, turning so they were face to face. He hadn’t realized just how close they’d be, and for a second he paused, suddenly nervous. “Ignatz,” he went on, “you mean more to me than anyone else at school. Anyone in the  _ world  _ besides Maya. If I lost you, I don’t know what I’d do.”

“If you ever have another nightmare,” Ignatz said, “you have my permission to knock on my door and wake me up.” 

“Really?”

Ignatz nodded. “I don’t mind, even if we have to get up early the next day. I know what nightmares are like. And… well, Raphael, you mean a lot to me too.”

“And if  _ you _ have a bad dream about  _ me, _ the same thing goes,” Raphael said. “Anytime. Day or night. Just knock, I’m there.”

“Raphael?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m so glad we’re friends again. I’m s-”

“There’s no need to apologize,” Raphael cut in. “I’m glad too.”

\---

He’d hoped that speaking with Ignatz might stop the dreams from coming. But that didn’t really make sense, did it? It wasn’t as if he’d actually solved the problem; the fear of losing Ignatz was still there, as vicious and potent as ever. 

In his next nightmare, Raphael stood at the edge of the battlefield, too far away to do anything but watch as the enemy soldiers cut Ignatz open with their swords. The only good thing about this dream was that it was short; as soon as he began to run towards them, Raphael woke up with a jolt. 

It was dark outside, no hint of dawn on the horizon. Raphael paused outside Ignatz’s door, then gathered his courage and knocked. Ignatz didn’t say things he didn’t mean - he wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want Raphael to take him up on it. But it was still a little nerve-wracking, knowing he was waking Ignatz up without warning.

It took Ignatz a little while to open the door, and when he did, his eyes were bleary. “Nightmare?”

Raphael nodded.

“Come in.”

Ignatz set the candle down on his bedside table and took off his glasses. Then, to Raphael’s surprise, he lay down, rolling all the way to the far side of the bed so he was pressed against the wall. He patted the bed next to him.

Raphael frowned. “You want me to…?”

“Yes,” Ignatz said. “Lie down here. With me.”

Raphael didn’t understand, but he wasn’t about to protest. The bed wasn’t really large enough for two men, so even with them as far apart as they could be, they were almost touching.

“I’m here,” Ignatz said. “See, Raphael, I’m alright. I’m alive.” He reached a hand out and brushed Raphael’s arm. 

Raphael shivered. “I know,” he said. “Thank you for letting me come in. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“I told you, it’s alright.” Ignatz paused. In the dim light of the candle, he looked thoughtful. Then, without a word, he drew closer to Raphael, closer and closer, until he was between Raphael’s arms,  _ in _ them, his head almost touching Raphael’s chest.

“What are you doing?” Raphael asked. He wondered if Ignatz was trying to push him out of the bed, but, in all honesty, it seemed more like… Well, more like he was trying to get as close as he could. But Raphael, heart in his throat, scarcely dared to hope. 

“Is this alright?”

“Ignatz - what are you doing?”

“I…” Ignatz raised his face to meet Raphael’s gaze. He wasn’t wearing his glasses, so the eye contact was probably just for Raphael’s benefit. “I want you to hold me. Is that alright?”

Raphael sucked in a breath.  _ “Yes,” _ he said. “Yes, I…” 

He didn’t have any words to finish his sentence, but he didn’t have to; Ignatz was working his way closer, his cheek now pressed against Raphael’s collarbone. Ignatz was  _ in his arms;  _ his body felt so small, so thin and fragile. But he was here, solid and alive. Raphael could feel his chest move slightly with each breath he took. 

“Raphael,” Ignatz said, “I love you.”

For Raphael, there was no doubt, no need to hesitate even a second. “I love you, too,” he said. “I love you so much.”

He hadn’t said it in his head before, hadn’t thought  _ I love Ignatz - _ not outright, not in so many words. But, still, Raphael knew it was true. He wanted to stay at Ignatz’s side as long as he could, years and years if Ignatz would let him. He had never felt this way with anyone before.

But as natural as realizing his love for Ignatz felt to Raphael, he had never thought that it might go both ways. He pressed his face into Ignatz’s hair and breathed in deeply, savoring the smell of him, the ticklish feeling of his hair.

“I’ve loved you for a long time,” Ignatz said, his voice muffled against Raphael’s neck. “But for a while it was wrapped up in shame and pain because of our families’ situation - and the way I acted after everything happened only made me more ashamed.” He pulled away just enough to look Raphael in the eye. “Let me apologize. I want to, I  _ need _ to.”

Raphael nodded. “Go ahead.”

“I’m sorry I acted the way I did,” Ignatz said. “I’m sorry I pushed you away when you needed me. I’m sorry I was the way I was for so long. You deserved better, and I know I can’t really make it up to you, but you mean so much to me.”

“There’s nothing you need to make up for,” Raphael said. “I don’t deserve better. Ignatz, there  _ is _ no better. There’s no one I want more.” 

Ignatz buried his face in Raphael’s neck again. He was still sleepy, Raphael realized, and perhaps feeling vulnerable to boot. It was so endearing that Raphael had to resist the urge to wrap his arms as tightly as he could around Ignatz’s body and pull him so close there was no space between them at all. 

“I meant to comfort you,” Ignatz said, “but you’re the one comforting me.”

“We’re comforting each other, aren’t we?”

Ignatz laughed. “I guess we are.”

A little unsure, Raphael ran his hand down Ignatz’s back. Ignatz relaxed into the touch, and Raphael did it again, filled with wonder over being able to touch him like this. He’d always thought it would be nice to do so, and now Ignatz was in his arms, pliant and calm, his face pressed against Raphael’s skin - and he  _ loved  _ Raphael… It was enough to take Raphael’s breath away. He hadn’t even let himself dream of this.

“Ignatz, I’m so happy,” he said. 

“Sleep here,” Ignatz said. “Tonight and tomorrow and every night from now on.”

It was not phrased as a request, but even if it had been, Raphael wouldn’t have refused. “Of course.”

“Could you blow out the candle?”

Raphael did, and they were plunged into utter darkness; but of course he could still feel Ignatz in his arms, warm and alive. “We can talk more tomorrow, if you want,” Ignatz said, his voice groggy with sleep. “For now, let’s rest.”

“Okay!”

Raphael felt Ignatz shift in his arms; after a few minutes, the muscles in his body twitched and his breathing became deeper. Raphael himself could not sleep for a long time, but for once, it was not because of a nightmare. How could he hope to sleep when  _ Ignatz Victor _ was in his arms?

He knew he’d be tired the next morning, but he couldn’t regret it. And then he thought of what Ignatz had said -  _ Tonight and tomorrow and every night from now on -  _ and grinned like a fool into the dark. The thought of it made his heart ache with joy.

And perhaps he would still dream of awful things - he knew this would not prevent it entirely - but when he did, he could roll over and put his arms around Ignatz, breathe in his scent, ruffle his hair, and know that, at least for now, all was right in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> [Come say hi on twitter!](https://twitter.com/doop_doop2)


End file.
